Your worth in weight

I can’t stop thinking about this blog that I read today (GO Margarita! I love your blog!!!). In the blog Margarita says a part of her feels that her worth in the universe is measured in pounds. She goes on to question if she will always be plagued by the thought of calorie burning and forbidden foods. She compares once-being-overweight to once- an-alcoholic and wonders if she will always be in recovery. I can relate to this blog on so many levels!!! Now, I do not have an “overweight” problem but I do have a “weight/ image” problem, meaning, I am obsessed with it! I think about weight, calories, being fit, working out, my thighs, cellulite, and what I should and should not eat, All. The. Time. I have become obsessed and it is making me miserable!

Margarita was unhappy with her body so she has made a transformation in the way she lives. She goes to the gym every morning and she has changed her diet. I am unhappy with my body but I have done NOTHING to change it. I go to the gym on average twice a week and I have yet to give up the mini chocolate bars that I inhale after my chicken and veggies dinner. HB and I tend to live a semi healthy lifestyle. Egg white omelets for breakfast, turkey sandwich or a salad for lunch, chicken at least 4 nights a week... We have substituted ground turkey for ground beef…you will never find white bread in our house…we drink LOTS of water…I take the stairs at work - Overall we are healthy but I haven't lost one pound.

I, like Margarita, have that deep feeling in my gut that SCREAMS that my worth is measured in pounds. Or better yet, muscle vs. cellulite. I don’t go by weight because I am only a few pounds heavier than I was when I was in great shape. I may be only a few pounds heavier but I am a size larger, my clothes don’t fit as well, and my thighs jiggle more than ever before. I am obsessed with the way I look – and not in a can’t stop admiring myself, way. I am obsessed in a count every calorie, hate to be naked, scold myself for days after eating pizza, cringe while putting on a swimsuit, would make myself vomit if I didn’t hate to do it, kind of way. But yet, I didn’t go to the gym this morning and probably will not go tonight. It is a vicious cycle and I need a pint of ice cream to get over it.

Oh, and the worst part, HB and I are having a lake party for the 4^th. Our hometown friends are coming. One of them is 5’5, 105 pounds and the type of girl who will point out the dimples on my thighs - only she will do it behind my back. FUN! Maybe the stress of it all will help me shed a few pounds!!!! ;-)